Expectations, Dreams, and Startling Realities

I have always been a big dreamer. I am successful at everything that I attempt. I do not fail! Throughout my 25 1/2 years, I have had an almost unreachable standard, set by me, for me. And recently, I realized that it's just not possible ~ this realization has come with a lot of heartache and disappointment.

The first time that I got a B was my sophomore year of high school. I was in Geometry, I had the cool teacher who let us eat, drink and chew gum. She didn't assign seats, she let us come and go and sit where ever we wanted (even on the floor ~ that's my favorite place). The second six weeks I got a 91, one little point from an A. I will add that I cheated on almost everything to do with that class, and somehow still didn't succeed, DUH!! It was devastating! My parents actually considered putting me into therapy because I reacted so extremely. Making a B meant that I'd have to take the semester exam, it meant that I wasn't smart, I'd have to be in school with the losers and the dumb people, which to me, meant failure. I'd end up flunking out of school and becoming a lifer at the Cracker Barrel, have several children by several different men, never be able to pay my own bills and always have black circles under my eyes. I'd wear scrunchies and miss matched socks, my current live in man would have a mullet and wear wife beaters and have plumber's crack. My double wide trailer would be blown away in a tornado and I'd be on Fox news describing the train sounds right before everything went black. My whole world was ending ~ and all because of a B in Geometry.

I've moved on, but not too far. I actually ended up graduating from high school with a 3.9 and from all five colleges with a 3.4 GPA. I got into graduate school with no problem (although, my GRE score isn't high enough for Vanderbilt, it's still ok.) and I plan on becoming a successful therapist with a healing center where people can come to relax, feel safe, enjoy bettering themselves and their families, meet people and form support systems. I'll be a wonderful wife and mother of at least four children by the age of 32. I'll be the soccer mom, the room mom, the cool mom, the mom that everyone comes to for good food and advice. I'll have a smile on my face, matching shoes and purse, ironed clothes and a happy home (and NO SCRUNCHIES!!!)

As I sit back and take a look at all of this, there seems to be one rather large flaw... I, I, I, I, I... I have lot sight of the big picture, yes, dreams, goals and expectations are important. But being a child of God is the reason that I exist. He has given me each and every gift in my life, and I took them all, left Him out of the picture and gave myself all of the credit. In fact, I was writing this earlier, the electricity flashed and I lost everything that I had just poured out onto the screen. After crying for a minute, I laughed, said ok God, and started all over again.

Part of the reason that the fertility issues have bothered me is because of my all or nothing attitude. Ideas and goals that come to me are to be to my specifications or not at all. It's a flaw that I have, I am working on that and many others. It's funny to me that God can see me, He knew who I was before anyone, He knows my thinking, my incredibly insane rationale, my self-centered, petty, immature tendencies ~ and He loves me anyway. In fact, He sent His own child to die in order for me to have hope, forgiveness, grace and love. It's just crazy that He would do that for anyone, let alone Mae Anne McCullough Hale (You must say my name with a southern drawl or it just isn't right. Everybody, really draw out those vowels and slurr all of the consonants, puhleeez! ~ Maaan Mmcculla Hayuhl).

I am not perfect, failure is ok and it's bound to happen. When it does, it will be a learning experience and God's hand will guide me to the next step.

Thank you God for your love, forgiveness, grace, sense of humor, and most of all for your Son. Without any of this, I'd be a lost fool. Instead, I am a saved fool with hope for tomorrow and a home with you. Please help me to remember this moment of reality and love.

Tidings of Joy... Hope, grace, love and self acceptance. :)

P.S. I must add that it's been an incredibly emotional day and I just openly weeped while watching a Hillary Duff movie on the Disney channel. Kleenex anyone?