It's the End of the World as I Know it & I Feel... Exhausted

So many times in my life (and in yours too?) I find that things are going along at a speed and level that I find comforting and then BAM (do the Emeril thing) it all changes.

I'll start with school. Last week in my Psycho class we had the option of looking at our test results. Dr. Morris kind of had a mini break down / cry session in class b/c basically our grades as a whole didn't improve over last time and she was upset over how we were learning and studying the information. I put in hours upon hours of studying for that test (literally 15 - 20 hours), and still ended up making a 69. I have been so frustrated since then because I know the information that she has taught us! I can tell the difference b/t an anxiety disorder and mood disorder, if I were to see someone with schizophrenia I would be able to diagnose it. For my grades not to reflect what I know, and even worse to be failing the class has been really upsetting. I've cried every day over the fact that I am failing a course. That has never happened to me before and I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it. With everything else that is going on right now, though school is not that important. In the whole scheme of things, it isn't going to make a difference whether I take this class once or twice to pass it. I sat down with the head of the department last night and we talked for a good while about everything. He has no problem with me dropping the class, and apparently there are several others who are in the same boat. He was very frustrated over the complaints he's gotten about her and said that obviously things were going to have to change. "Graduate school isn't the place to make a student's life horrible, if you're going to challenge them to the extreme, do it in undergrad." Thank you Dr. Cravens!

In one of my cry fests, Brandon was at home. I usually try to hide petty little things like this from him b/c it makes me feel weak and idiotic to get so stressed out over something so miniscule. He is so wonderful. He obviously knew that I was stressing, but thought it had more to do with Granny than school (which in a way is true, but yesterday it wasn't about her). He just held me in his arms and let me cry and talk and wipe my face on his shirt. He did the thing he always does, he loved on me and made me feel better. We came to a decision about school, a very long, thought out, prayed over decision. I'm not returning to Freed next semester (it hurts to read that). I feel guilty about it costing so much to drive back and forth and have dinner there and just for being gone so much when I could be at home with my husband and be happy with what I can accomplish with the degree that I have. It's almost as if I feel like I'm asking God for too much. I feel guilty and selfish and I just want those feelings to go away. The hours in the car take a toll on me, by the time I get home from class, I've put in an entire work day sitting and driving. I want to find a job and have a feeling of accomplishment towards our financial future, right no it just feels like I'm depleting it.

I did find a program through Southern Christian University out of Montgomery, AL. It's online and is a Marriage and Family Therapy program, fully accredited and in line with Tennessee's licensure requirements. I can do everything from the comfort of my own home and still get a good education (even Dr. Cravens agreed with me on that). Of course, it costs quite a bit more than Freed, but the tuition can still be covered by loans that I'm getting now and living off of. This will allow me to get a job and not have to worry about leaving early to make it to class. I have access to classes 24/7. It will add a semester to what I had to have at FHU, but we'll make it work out.

In Grandmother land things are working out as well. We all have spent numerous hours cleaning out her house. I have cried over that too. It was very sad to do (and we're still not finished) and I felt guilty that we had let her house get in the condition that it is in. It's looking good, but we've still got quite a bit of work to do. The PT's and OT's at the rehab unit keep telling her she won't be in there for very long and may not even need a home health nurse when she gets out. I just keep praying that she'll be there long enough for us to get things done. I told her that we are all doing it out of love and trying to put ourselves in her place. I would have a hissy fit if I were hospitalized and someone came in and threw away my things and rearranged my home. I understand that she'll be upset, but she really couldn't continue to live the way she was. It just hurts to have to do such things, I can't and don't want to imagine how it will be when she passes away.

On to things in fertility world. Still no luck. The deadline that B and I originally set to start the adoption process is quickly approaching (January). So many other things have been going on that this has taken a back burner to even school. I'm almost ready to give up and concentrate on other things. It just kind of comes in waves. I don't know, we'll see how it goes.

That's my life right now ~ full of changes, cleaning, failing, going different directions, and making more decisions that I signed up for when I entered this thing we call "adulthood." I did have another interview today (I'm getting really good at telling people what they want to hear!). It was for a math teaching position at a special school for mentally retarded children (ages 7 to 22). I'll hear by the end of the week. The head master has to prove to the state that she tried to hire someone with a CDC endorsement before she can hire someone without it (like me). I'm not keeping my fingers crossed about this on, but it's worth a try.

I'm stopping now, this is way too long, I almost never read any blog over five paragraphs. Hope you stuck it out to here.

Tidings of Joy... and changes.